Grounding and Reminding

I need to learn to testify with as much strength

Ooooo... google.

My sister-in-law is a wise one. A few years ago she developed a theory about google. She predicted that google would take over the world, which it has. I use google mail, google chrome, and some day I hope to use google wave. I love google. I google all day long. I google things I already know. I google my husband. I google my dad. I google “google.” I google from my computer. I google from my phone. I can actually send a text message to google as if we're buds. I’m a little upset that my spell check doesn’t like the word “google,” but someday it will and google will be in all dictionaries as a “google” noun, “to google” infinitive, maybe a “googlish” adjective. Ode to google and their white, straight-forward home page with current artistic graphics indicating the 50th anniversary of Sesame Street and Guy Fawkes day. Thank you google, for giving me instant gratification from anywhere at any time.

But what is this gratification costing me? Is google encroaching a little too much? I log onto my email today, after writing a recent email about Moab, and I read the banner ad above my email is about Moab vacation rentals. I refresh the page and I see a sale for “Santa Barbara Beach Rent.” That’s strange. So I refresh again and I find information about “I’m Sorry” gift cards and flower deliveries. Could google have read my "I'm sorry" email to Scott a couple days ago? I’m getting a wee bit wary.

Confidence

I'm taking a couple institute classes: Understanding Personal Revelation and The Savior's Sermons in 3rd Nephi. Cool, eh? I'm so excited. It feels good to be in a classroom taking notes, and it feels even better to have time to really consider spiritual things. I'm excited about the insights and changes I'll have in these classes. I'm sure there will be plenty of discussion. In my first class on Tuesday, my teacher mentioned this talk. I was happy he did, because it's one of my favorites. I've always loved this talk. A friend of mine gave it to me on a CD when we were in high school, and I've relied on it a lot since. I haven't gone through it in about a year, but I had a quick read-through today, and I wanted to share it with anyone who hasn't read it. You should.

“Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”

By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now.

There is a lesson in the Prophet Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision which virtually every Latter-day Saint has had occasion to experience, or one day soon will. It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives.

In that marvelous account which we read too seldom, Joseph said he had scarcely begun his prayer when he felt a power of astonishing influence come over him. “Thick darkness,” as he described it, gathered around him and seemed bent on his utter destruction. But he exerted all his powers to call upon God to deliver him out of the power of this enemy, and as he did so a pillar of light brighter than the noonday sun descended gradually until it rested upon him. At the very moment of the light’s appearance, he found himself delivered from the destructive power which had held him bound. What then followed is the greatest epiphany since the events surrounding the Crucifixion, Resurrection, and Ascension of Christ in the meridian of time. The Father and the Son appeared to Joseph Smith, and the dispensation of the fulness of times had begun.

Most of us do not need any more reminders than we have already had that there is one who personifies “opposition in all things,” that “an angel of God” fell “from heaven” and in so doing became “miserable forever.” What a chilling destiny! Because this is Lucifer’s fate, “he sought also the misery of all mankind,” Lehi teaches us.

The Fight Goes On

An entire article could be devoted to this subject of the adversary’s strong, preliminary, anticipatory opposition to many of the good things God has in store for us. But I want to move past that observation to another truth we may not recognize so readily. This is a lesson in the parlance of the athletic contest that reminds us “it isn’t over until it’s over.” It is the reminder that the fight goes on. Unfortunately we must not think Satan is defeated with that first strong breakthrough which so dramatically brought the light and moved us forward.

To make my point a little more vividly, may I go to another passage of scripture, indeed, to another vision. You will recall that the book of Moses begins with him being taken up to “an exceedingly high mountain” where, the scripture says, “he saw God face to face, and he talked with him, and the glory of God was upon Moses.” What then followed was what happens to prophets who are taken to high mountains. The Lord said to Moses:

“Look, and I will show thee the workmanship of mine hands. … Moses looked, and … beheld the earth, yea, even all of it; and there was not a particle of it which he did not behold, discerning it by the spirit of God. And he beheld also the inhabitants thereof, and there was not a soul which he beheld not.”

This experience is remarkable by every standard. It is one of the great revelations given in human history. It stands with the greatest accounts we have of any prophet’s experience with Divinity.

But Moses’ message to you today is: Don’t let your guard down. Don’t assume that a great revelation, some marvelous, illuminating moment, the opening of an inspired path, is the end of it. Remember, it isn’t over until it’s over.

What happens to Moses next, after his revelatory moment, would be ludicrous if it were not so dangerous and so true to form. Lucifer—in an effort to continue his opposition, in his unfailing effort to get his licks in later if not sooner—appears and shouts in equal portions of anger and petulance after God has revealed Himself to the prophet: “Moses, worship me.” But Moses is not having it. He has just seen the real thing, and by comparison this sort of performance is pretty dismal.

“Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? … Where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?

“For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me. … But I can look upon thee in the natural man. …

“Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God. …

“Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not.”

The record then depicts a reaction that is both pathetic and frightening:

“And now, when Moses had said these words, Satan cried with a loud voice, and ranted upon the earth, and commanded, saying: I am the Only Begotten, worship me.

“And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God [the very phrase used by Joseph Smith], he received strength, and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory.

“And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook. …

“And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth; and he departed hence,” always to come again, we can be sure, but always to be defeated by the God of glory—always.

Do Not Draw Back

I wish to encourage every one of us regarding the opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose. In his letter to the Hebrews, the Apostle Paul was trying to encourage new members who had just joined the Church, who undoubtedly had had spiritual experiences and received the pure light of testimony, only to discover that their troubles had not ended but that some of them had just begun.

Paul pleaded with those new members in much the same way President Gordon B. Hinckley is pleading with new members today. The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight—a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless. Paul says to those who thought a new testimony, a personal conversion, a spiritual baptismal experience would put them beyond trouble—to these he says, “Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions.” Then this tremendous counsel, which is at the heart of my counsel to you: “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

“For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. …

“… If any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.

“… We are not of them who draw back unto perdition.”

In Latter-day Saint talk that is to say, Sure it is tough—before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined. That is the way it has always been, Paul says, but don’t draw back. Don’t panic and retreat. Don’t lose your confidence. Don’t forget how you once felt. Don’t distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses and Joseph Smith when the adversary confronted them, and it is what will save you.

I suppose every returned missionary and probably every convert reading these words knows exactly what I am talking about. Appointments for discussions canceled, the Book of Mormon in a plastic bag hanging from a front doorknob, baptismal dates not met. And so it goes through the teaching period, through the commitments and the baptism, through the first weeks and months in the Church, and more or less forever—at least, the adversary would pursue it forever if he thought he could see any weakening of your resolve, any chink in your armor.

This opposition turns up almost any place something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. It can occur in situations related to your family, Church callings, or career.

With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.
The Spirit of Revelation

To help us make our way through these experiences, these important junctures in our lives, let me draw from another scriptural reference to Moses. It was given in the early days of this dispensation when revelation was needed, when a true course was being set and had to be continued.

Most Latter-day Saints know the formula for revelation given in section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants—the verses about studying it out in your mind and the Lord promising to confirm or deny. What most of us don’t read in conjunction with this is the section which precedes it: section 8.

In that revelation the Lord has said, “I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.” I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way—mind and heart combined—by the Holy Ghost. “Now, behold,” He continues, “this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground.”

Why would the Lord use the example of crossing the Red Sea as the classic example of “the spirit of revelation”? Why didn’t He use the First Vision? Or the example from the book of Moses we just used? Or the vision of the brother of Jared? Well, He could have used any of these, but He didn’t. Here He had another purpose in mind.

Usually we think of revelation as a downpour of information. But this is too narrow a concept of revelation. May I suggest how section 8 broadens our understanding, particularly in light of these “fights of affliction” we have been discussing.

Questions Often Precede Revelation

First of all, revelation almost always comes in response to a question, usually an urgent question—not always, but usually. In that sense it does provide information, but it is urgently needed information, special information. Moses’ challenge was how to get himself and the children of Israel out of this horrible predicament they were in. There were chariots behind them, sand dunes on every side, and a lot of water immediately ahead. He needed information to know what to do, but it wasn’t a casual thing he was asking. In this case it was literally a matter of life and death.

You will need information too, but in matters of great consequence it is not likely to come unless you want it urgently, faithfully, humbly. Moroni calls it seeking “with real intent.” 7 If you can seek that way and stay in that mode, not much that the adversary can counter with will dissuade you from a righteous path. You can hang on, whatever the assault and affliction, because you have paid the price for real conviction.

Like Moses in that vision, there may come after the fact some competing doubts and confusion, but it will pale when you measure it against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and you got it. The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation. The adversary has power to hedge up the way, to marshal Pharaoh’s forces and dog our escape right to the water’s edge, but he can’t produce the real thing. He cannot conquer if we will it otherwise. Exerting all our powers, the light will again come, the darkness will again retreat, the safety will be sure. That is lesson number one about crossing the Red Sea by the spirit of revelation.

Do Not Fear

Lesson number two is closely related. It is that in the process of revelation and making important decisions, fear plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role. To Oliver Cowdery, who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn’t seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity, the Lord said, “You did not continue as you commenced.” Does that sound familiar to those who have been illuminated and then knuckled under to second thoughts and returning doubts? “It is not expedient that you should translate now,” the Lord said in language that must have been very hard for Oliver to hear. “Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now.”

Everyone runs the risk of fear. For a moment in Moses’ confrontation with the adversary, “Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell.” That’s when you see it—when you are afraid.

That is exactly the problem that beset the children of Israel at the edge of the Red Sea, and it has everything to do with holding fast to your earlier illumination. The record says, “And when Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid.” Some (just like those Paul described earlier) said words to this effect: “Let’s go back. This isn’t worth it. We must have been wrong. That probably wasn’t the right spirit telling us to leave Egypt.” What they actually said to Moses was: “Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? … It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness.” And I have to say, “What about that which has already happened? What about the miracles that got you here? What about the frogs and the lice? What about the rod and the serpent, the river and the blood? What about the hail, the locusts, the fire, the firstborn sons?”

How soon we forget. It would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to remain outside the Church, nor to put off marriage, nor to reject a mission call or other Church service, and so on and so on forever. Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt—seemingly free, seemingly on our way—only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary’s weapons against us.

“And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. … The Lord shall fight for you.” In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, “Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.”

That is the second lesson of the spirit of revelation. After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don’t fear, don’t vacillate, don’t quibble, don’t whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, “Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!”

God Will Help Us

The third lesson from the Lord’s spirit of revelation in the miracle of crossing the Red Sea is that along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it. That is true of joining the Church or raising a family, of going on a mission, or any one of a hundred other worthy tasks in life. Remember what the Savior said to the Prophet Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. What was the problem in 1820? Why was Joseph not to join another church? It was at least in part because “they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.” God’s grace is sufficient! The Lord would tell Joseph again and again that just as in days of old the children of Israel would be “led out of bondage by power, and with a stretched-out arm. … Therefore, let not your hearts faint. … Mine angels shall go up before you, and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land.”

What goodly land? Well, your goodly land. Your promised land. Your new Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny. I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what His plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord’s will for us and to know that He loves us beyond mortal comprehension. I also believe that the adversary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose such experiences and then try to darken them after they happen. But that is not the way of the gospel. That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims as the fundamental fact of the Restoration the spirit of revelation. Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:

“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

“For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”

I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that He has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored.

“Fear ye not.” And when the second and third and fourth blows come, “fear ye not. … The Lord shall fight for you.” Cast not away therefore your confidence.

A.E.

The world, it was the old world yet,
I was I, my things were wet,
And nothing now remained to do
But begin the game anew.

In a January tone, I want to defy this every day!

Today was "Yoga for the Brain."

AT THE HEART OF THINGS

(For Thich Nhat Hanh)

I go through the simplest tasks
of the day lightened
as the Buddhist spirit of
mindfulness expresses itself
in folding clothes
one warm linen sleeve
lying against another,
the cut grass
in full fragrance around me
as I gather peonies
for the table.
Their tall green stems
languish in the water,
heads resting heavily
against the bowl's rim
as if under the weight
of a long remembered sorrow.

On the kitchen counter
basil for tonight's pesto,
garlic and walnut's sharp woody smell
still on the cutting board,
the boiling water's steam
condenses on the window glass
and I realized how surely
these are nothing
compared to the abundant task
of gathering all this love

Susan Jackson

TODAY I HAD THE THOUGHT...

(I actually have this thought often). But if I had gone out with Scott when he asked me to go climbing in 2007, we could have been together for almost three years by now! To clarify, it's not that I didn't want to go out with him... it was just bad timing (I unfortunately wasn't single)! We both could have cut back on some unneeded dating relationships... he could have been a river guide WITH me... we could have graduated together. As Scott pointed out today, we both love the way it happened... I love that it took the Rogue River to finally get us together (what a BEAUTIFUL place to fall in love) after wanting to date for so long. But sometimes I wish I hadn't wasted all that time.

Scott and I have so much fun together. We are a lot alike, and we are truly one of those couples that just love being each other's best friend. I have been known to have a lot of "best friends" throughout my life. Friendship is important to me, and I have been blessed to have some amazing friends that I love spending time with today. Scott jumped to the top of my list pretty quick.

There were so many little things that I first noticed about Scott that impressed me... going clear back to before we were dating when we lived next to each other on Condo Row. My first memory of Scott (I didn't realize I was feeling reminiscent!) was before I even met him (that's right I had HEARD about him before I met him in person. The fall semester of 2006 was the semester I'd be going to London, and several of my closest friends moved into a building on Condo Row. Before leaving for London, I was visiting these friends, and thumbing through their directory of everyone who lived in their building and the building next door, I saw Scott. I thought he was cute; but I was told that everyone had a crush on Scott Hannay. Of course now I can totally see why that was the case, but my dorky sophomore self thought it was pretty funny and that this guy probably thought a lot of himself. I don't know why I resorted to being judgmental. For some dumb reason, I decided in my head that I wouldn't have a crush on this guy because everyone else did. Non-conformism?? I don't know. Not that it mattered anyway... I'd probably never actually meet the guy. I went off to London after that and had a lovely London time.

While in London, I got an email from a friend telling me that a friend of mine was dating Scott, so I immediately reversed my petty little judgment and decided that he was probably an awesome guy because I respected his girlfriend so much. I didn't think anything of it after that until I came back from London just in time for winter semester 2007. Scott was still dating my friend, and I met him through her shortly after I had moved back. From that semester until I left BYU, I basically moved in and out of Scott's ward boundaries every semester, but if I didn't have a bed at Condo Row, I'd sleep on the couch. I spent most of my time in that area. I met Scott on Condo Row when he pulled up in his truck and I was attempting to long board on the sidewalk. I thought he was nice and cute (but unavailable) and again, didn't think much of it after that.

I started seeing Scott around campus, and we were now acquaintances who could say hi to each other when we bumped into each other in the terrace, the quad, or the LRC. We were both LRC studiers, and I saw him there nearly every day at the same time each day (I later found out that after Scott and my friend broke up, Scott would sometimes take advantage of my predictable schedule and fabricate some of these accidental meetings). We always noticed each other, we always were excited to see each other, and we always enjoyed talking when we could. I remember walking home from campus one day when we started walking together. I was on a literary overload and for some reason decided that discussing "The Book of Disquiet" with the poor guy who didn't even know me very well would be a good course of action. What's even stranger is that he liked that. Our conversation impressed me, and I really started having a lot of respect for Scott, even if it was from a distance. We didn't hang out, though we had so many mutual friends, but I had a high opinion of him. I knew he enjoyed the outdoors like I did, and always thought he'd be a lot of fun to hang out with.

Lucky for me, Scott felt the same way. When he was in between girlfriends he would say to his friends that he was looking to date a girl like Lindsey Petersen (isn't that cute!). It's pretty lame that we lived next door to each other for a year by this time, and we hadn't ever gone out. Why? Because Scott and I were NEVER single at the same time. In the Fall of 07, Scott came to the Law School where I worked, walked right up to my desk, told me he'd like to get into climbing, and asked me to go climbing with him that next week. I wasn't exactly single... I was kind of getting into a relationship, and we were just past the point where I could say to the guy that I had a date with someone else. Had he asked me one week earlier though, and... (herein lies that psychological anguish... the "if only" feeling). I wasn't very upfront with Scott. I didn't feel comfortable saying "I'm dating someone" because I wasn't sure if that was really the right way to say it. Lindsey made a bad move, and Scott ended up thinking Lindsey was pretty flaky.

The next year consisted of Scott, me, and our terrible timing! By the time he was single, I wasn't... by the time I was single, he wasn't... I moved to Moab to be a riverguide. He talked to friends about coming to Moab to ask me out (cute huh?)... and then was surprised to hear that I had opened my mission call on the river and was leaving for my mission to Texas that Fall. Scott, in my head, was one of those guys I would have always liked to date, but I kind of missed my shot (or blew my shot!) while we were in college.

Luckily Scott's buddy invited me to join them on the Rogue River in Oregon. I admitted to Scott later that I was really excited he would be there. After a summer of river rafting romance gone bad (especially while trying hard to focus on my upcoming mission), I was excited to have a laid-back-last-time-just-for-fun-random-college-friend-trip before I left. I had a good time with everyone. I laugh at how dumb I can be, though. Remember when I was a sophomore and decided I didn't like Scott just cause everyone else did? I got the feeling when we were in Tahoe that maybe Scott wasn't interested in me any more than the other girls on the trip... so I decided I wasn't interested in him! Clearly I was, or I wouldn't have been thinking any of this. I kind of made a special effort to give Scott less attention than the other guys. I think the professional term for this is "playing hard to get" which I wasn't at all! If Scott didn't have me by the day we left Tahoe, he had me by the last day of the Rogue. Scott won me over in Tahoe at first by being interested in everything I was doing. I found a mandolin in Jim Gribble's basement and started playing around with it in a corner to see if I could play anything that sounded decent enough to justify bringing it with us on the river. Scott had brought his guitar and joined me with my mandolin, and we spent that night looking up chord charts and songs we could learn to play together. I remember thinking how easy-going he was, and he made me feel easy-going (which I sometimes am not), and I got a good feeling as I sat with him and played music. This is something we still love to do together, and we especially loved playing songs together on fiddle and guitar when we tackled the Grand together last summer. I felt like Scott was mature and kind. He was very inclusive and just impressed me all around as I watched him with other people.

He won me over on the river because he is so adventurous. This river trip was just FUN. After a summer of being a commercial guide, I felt a little shaky on a private trip. But I loved not being the guide! I loved spending time with old friends and new friends, engaging in conversation, taking time to write and appreciate nature, and just slow down and contemplate my upcoming decisions and life. I didn't have to entertain! I didn't have to tell river guide tall tales about the legend of Castle Rock or what exactly did happen to poor old Larry who thought he skipped the gap when he really drove his car right in to the river. Even cooking was fun because it wasn't for a hundred-something people, I knew I wouldn't be doing ALL the dishes myself, and there was such a gorgeous variety of food (as opposed to 1st day... burgers; 2nd day... spaghetti; 3rd day... chili.... repeat)!

K... that was an irrelevant tangent about the joy of a private river trip. I was just so happy to be on the river and to feel like I was most myself. I was in a good place in terms of my physical health, sense of self, and spiritually, and I felt that this time on the river opened me up more to God's beauty in creation. It was one of those times in life where I had come home to myself.

Also... this post is getting to point where it's too long for me to read through after I write it. Hopefully everything I'm writing is making sense.

But this is the part where I fell in love with Scott... so I'll write about that. Anyone who knows Scott knows that he is adventurous and capable. I loved watching him tackle rolling his kayak in the rapids (I had never hard-shell kayaked... so I was impressed and a little jealous).

Since then, though, I've learned how to roll, and as soon as a Lindsey-sized kayak of decent price comes around, Scott and I will hit the kayaking hobby hard.

There were just so many fun moments that we shared that added up to create a fast and fulfilling friendship.

I loved when we picked blackberries off the side of the river. There were thousands! I got up on Scott's back to reach some of the prime spots, and we used some of the sub-par berries as war paint in anticipation of the accomplishment of our goal that day to take Nelson Trichler to the water, as he had never been pushed out of a boat he has captained. Sam, Scott, Nelson, and I fastened a torpedo raft out of two duckies. I remember rowing hard as Nelson called the shots, and I loved trying to show Scott how tough I was... in reality, I was really lucky I kept up!

And we did end up taking Nelson down... but of course he took ALL three of us down with him. So I don't know if we'll chalk that one up to a victory.

I fell for Scott more and more as I began to realize that he was always aware of me, and I could tell. If I dropped something, he picked it up before I realized it was missing. He'd get extra treats from the snack cooler and hand them to me throughout the day (Scott learned early on that my happiness depends on a steady and constant dispersal of treats, and that he should always keep treats on hand to whip out at a moments noticed. And what a smart guy! He figured that one out on his own! I didn't even have to tell him). In water fights, he'd never take me down. I appreciated that. I never could stand it when guys thought the best way to flirt with you was to smash your head into something and then pull you by your hair underwater, pushing your head down, kinking your neck, and grinding your chin into your shoulders until you could no longer breathe. Guys physically hurting me in a pool never exactly left me wanting more interaction with them. I appreciated that Scott was attentive to me, but kept his distance at the same time. I thought it was a sign of maturity. And I had been done with the immature factor in guys for quite a while.

Scott would paddle his kayak near my boat as I rowed, or near my duckie, always game for a good conversation. I had so many talks with Scott that also facilitated our fast friendship. I kept thinking, "I have wanted to be friends with this guy for so long! Why have we wasted so much time!" After hikes, long, high-energy river days, and conversational nights, I felt like Scott and I started making up for the time. The foundation for an awesome relationship was already there, and we built it up from the day we left Provo to the day Scott dropped me off in Sacramento.

The last night of the trip was the night Scott and I really sat down to talk about this friendship that had formed and how we both felt about what should come next. I remember having the distinct feeling that while I had to be cautious since everything had happened so quickly, I knew that Scott was supposed to be in my life at that time. He wasn't a distraction. I knew that we were building something that the Lord wanted us to have and develop. In the months to come as we approached the difficult choices to come, we did so as partners who knew that we were both acting on the impressions and guidance we got from our Heavenly Father. I remember thinking that there couldn't be a better way to start a relationship and a better test for us as a couple (especially if this was going to turn into a marriage).

Which it did! Six months later! And as we come up on one year of marriage, I am so grateful that I have married someone who still treats me the way he did when we were dating, who is still just as exciting to talk to as our first conversation, who is up for any adventure any time, who loves my family and appreciates them as his own, who tells me he loves me constantly throughout the day , who is aware of me constantly, who will add to my long list of things I want to do and help me check them off, and who has made my life a part of his just as much as he has opened and shared his life with me.

This ended up sounding so lovey dovey... but I do love Scott, and I've really enjoyed thinking today about how this fantastic life of ours started. We have a wonderful friendship and a wonderful life together! I seriously have so much fun with him. He handles being married to a sometimes-acts-like-she's-five-years-old spaz who (let's be honest) never stops moving her mouth (or in this case, my fingers on the keyboard). It means so much to me to know that I get to share everything in my life from this point on with Scott, as we still try to catch each other up on the the 25 years and 22 years that came before. I'd hate it if I had a ton more adventures I had to tell him about... it's so nice to know that he'll just be there having the adventure alongside me!

NOAH AND THE WHALE

Give A Little Love

Well I know my death will not come
'Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
'Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I've shared what I could
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own...

...Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you

(some wisdom for the Christmas season... from an unlikely source)

WEIRD-BIRD

Salt Lake can't make up its mind. Emily went to Snowbird today and said it was "scrapey" but decent. But outside I'm wearing slippers and a windbreaker. It's hardly winter, but I'm so ready for it. I always get frustrated this time of year. It seems like when I'm ready for winter, It takes its time, and when I want to hang onto Fall a little longer, the snow falls in October. Last year I was in sunny Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving. I thought it strange to have a Thanksgiving without snow, one where I could wear shorts and go surfing. Snow-less Thanksgiving is fantastic in Santa Barbara, but I will not tolerate a snow-less Salt Lake Thanksgiving. The weather gods better kick into gear.

I complain about the weather not being able to make up its mind every year. I've spent 21 of my 22 winters in Utah. I should probably let it go and get used to it.

Birds are flyin' south for the winter.
Here's the weird-bird headin' north,
Wings a-flappin', beak a-chatterin',
Cold head bobbin' back n' forth.
He says, "It's not that I like ice
Or freezin' winds and snowy ground.
It's just sometimes its kind of nice
To be the only bird in town.

Shel Silverstein

This poem is not relevant. I just liked it.




















And this weird bird just makes me think of Doug.

Okay... that bird has taken me on an extremely unexpected journey (thank you google...isn't it about time google be part of the spell check dictionary) and break from my day to gaze upon a website filled with Doug-like drawings. This BreadWigGuy might be related to me.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.

If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings (Rumi).

This morning I did this...



...for the first time in almost a YEAR (Well, not ALL of this. My headstand is pretty rusty! And although my dad has always called me "Pretzel," the one in the top right corner looks a little unnatural... even though I will definitely be trying it out when I'm done with this post). I missed it so much, and it felt amazing to get back into it a little. I have done yoga at a studio a couple times a week ever since I was sixteen... at least until I left the Y. On the river, I'd do it every once in a while on my own... but ever since marriage, my yoga-ing has been non-existent. I'd love to be part of a studio again, but I remember enough to get by on my own for a bit. Today felt amazing. Something I definitely need to bring back into my life. I love yoga because it is the most simultaneously relaxing and energizing time in my day. It is filled with Wordsworth's spots in time, and it helps me let go of my day, or help my day let go of me. I love that it takes concentration and conscious effort, but at the same time feels effortless.

OH LIBRARY...

These days I read and write all day in the comfort of my own home... but tonight I am here at the U of U library.

I love studying at the library. I actually get a ton more done because it gives me that familiar feeling of studying at BYU until the wee hours of the night (I have to say the BYU library is a lot busier... I think the reason for that is because the library at the Y is used about 60% for facilitating our educational experience and 40% for social interactions, while the students at the U apparently do their socializing elsewhere). I have been studying up here during the daytime on occasion, but this is my first return to evening library study since my days at BYU when I was highly committed to my specific spot in the LRC (I sat there for years! Scott and I remember seeing each other in the LRC all the time my sophomore year. Apparently my schedule there was so regular that he knew exactly when to swing by the LRC to bump into me for a quick hello).

I feel like I came very prepared for the evening. I even packed a little ziploc baggie of Apple Jacks (well, Scott prepared it for me upon my request... isn't he nice?). I sat in a strategic zone of the library. South AND north facing windows so I don't feel like I'm underground (periodicals at the Y was never my thing). I can't see out the windows... just reflections in them... but it makes me feel better having windows even if I don't know what's beyond them. Clearly the north facing ones must separate me from another room. I'm near the restroom... but not so near that I'll look up whenever someone comes to use them. I've chosen to sit strategically far from the drinking fountain for this same reason, but just close enough so I can dash for a sip of water without having to worry about my stuff getting stolen (something I never considered at BYU. Not because of the honor code or the fact that everyone there is Mormon and likely has been taught that "thou shalt not steal," but actually because the chances were that I would know at least 30% of the people who had randomly assembled in the desks near me. I knew one of them would keep an eye on my stuff). And the final positive point of my seating choice... I'm in a cubical. A little cell! If I want to look around at anyone or anything that might distract me from my work, I would have to seriously strain my neck.

The one problem I failed to foresee... I chose a cubical near a computer outlet plug-in. I don't need the computer for my particular assignment. While this blog post has only taken a total of three minutes so far, in the future I will have to avoid this oversight. It's not as big of a deal as this would have been back in the day. I used to have email correspondence with a ton of people. So when I was in the groove of my work, I'd pop onto my computer, and there! Distraction! I'd have at least one email to read from someone. I guess one more good thing about getting married is that a lot (okay... all) of the email socialization goes away... and with it... distraction.

Don't check your email Lindsey... no one has written you!

On top of all of this.... I have been using Scott's computer while waiting for my new computer cord to arrive (which works by a HAIR better than the last one)... and now I suffer Mac withdrawals. I don't miss the Mac. I prefer the PC... but I keep trying to scroll down with two fingers, and I keep pressing alt because it's where the command key is supposed to be on the Mac. It's crazy how your muscle memory conforms that quickly. I am also failing to appreciate having the right click button back in my life.

And for those of you who are reading this, don't write some sort of comment on this post to the tune of "Get back to work," because by the time you read this, I will have already done just that.

s

TO AUTUMN

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run;
To bend with apples the moss'd cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For summer has o'er-brimm'd their clammy cells.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap'd furrow sound asleep,
Drows'd with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

Where are the songs of spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too, -
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.
(John Keats)























I used to have this memorized. Where does all this knowledge go?

THINKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING

It's not really too early to think about Thanksgiving. Scott and I are having our first Thanksgiving celebration at Ingunn's on Sunday.

I've always been someone who can't let traditions go. I'm getting better. I remember the first time I had to ditch out on my favorite family holiday. By this time, I had missed weddings and reunions. I had missed my birthday at home.... but I had never missed Thanksgiving until Thanksgiving 2006 I was in London. I found this email, addressed to Emily while I was over there.

"this day is a different kind of thanksgiving. at home it's all about family, food, warmth, and thanking God for the blessings we have been given. Here...i feel like i have really personalized thanksgiving... and i've put a whole new spin on it. This morning i got up at six to play American football in Hyde Park. It was so strange to pass joggers and strollers, and i looked at these people and just thought, "no one here knows it's thanksgiving!!!" ha ha.. it was weird... like i had some secret delight. so... on the way home i was crunching in leaves (snowless still) and it just felt like Autumn, the kind of Autumn Keats would describe or the kind you would paint if you could perfectly transfer thoughts to paper. And strangely enough... even with dish duty... even with dressing up in a skirt and autumny tops (whereas thanksgiving is usually spent in jeans and a sweater)... it still felt like thanksgiving. Even without cooking. Without chaos. without cousins. It still feels like thanksgiving! (i actually am going to go downstairs and help cook after this email). The American Community living in London was invited to St. Pauls Cathedral for an American Tributary Thanksgiving service. This really fortified my Thanksgiving spin this year. Here i am, listening to Catholic sermons, feeling so compelled to be greatful for the gift of life and all the many blessings i receive without even thanking God for them so much of the time, but i also felt empowered as an American. This Thanksgiving was like a 4th of July! I feel patriotic, proud of my home, and proud that my country was founded on that premise of a belief in God. It all kind of came together again for me today. I'm proud of our country (living outside of it has made me realize that), and i attribute the strength of our country to God as one of our greatest blessings that we should give thanks for at Thanksgiving. It was a little awkward though, to think that we are celebrating a holiday that exists because a huge group of people were divinely inspired by God to leave England and seek out a better life. I felt weird sitting next to a British friend thinking, "i'm celebrating people escaping the corrupt and inhibiting religious institutions that your country imposed upon them." strange... he he"

It's fun to look back on that Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving hasn't been the same ever since that year!!!! In 2007 I drove to Saint George with Kyle, and we had Thanksgiving with the Petersen side. In 2008 I had Thanksgiving with the Hannays in Santa Barbara. And this year we'll be with the Biltons. For someone who has always been such a traditionalist, I'm surprised that I love all the changes! Thanksgiving is still my favorite holiday, and it's for the feelings associated with it, not the food or where I eat that food. I think I've come a long way from crying when my mom told me that Santa Claus was going to start leaving presents upstairs instead of downstairs. That was a very big deal to me.

IN THE MOMENT

It was a day in June, all lawn and sky,
the kind that gives you no choice
but to unbutton your shirt
and sit outside in a rough wooden chair.

And if a glass of ice tea and a volume
of seventeenth-century poetry
with a dark blue cover are available,
then the picture can hardly be improved.

I remember a fly kept landing on my wrist,
and two black butterflies
with white and red wing-dots
bobbed around my head in the bright air.

I could feel the day offering itself to me,
and I wanted nothing more
than to be in the moment-but which moment?
Not that one, or that one, or that one,

or any of those that were scuttling by
seemed perfectly right for me.
Plus, I was to knotted up with questions
about the past and his tall, evasive sister, the future.

What churchyard held the bones of George Herbert?
Why did John Donne's wife die so young?
And more pressingly,
what could we serve the vegetarian twins

who were coming to dinner that evening?
Who knew that they would bring their own grapes?
And why was the driver of that pickup
flying down the road toward the lone railroad track?

And so the priceless moments of the day
were squandered one by one--
or more likely a thousand at a time--
with quandary and pointless interrogation.

All I wanted was to be a pea of being
inside the green pod of time,
but that was not going to happen today,
I had to admit to myself

as I closed the book on the face
of Thomas Traherne and returned to the house
where I lit a flame under a pot
full of floating brown eggs,

and, while they cooked in their bubbles,
I stared into a small oval mirror near the sink
to see if that crazy glass
had anything special to tell me today.

Billy Collins

October

And all the lives we ever lived
And all the lives to be,
Are full of trees and changing leaves.

AUTOMATIC DOORS

I need to stop believing that objects and fictional friends have actual human emotions. I know my sister understands this...

Last night Scott and I watched a little 20 minute show... his favorite Halloween television show, "The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile." We just looked it up on google. It was an old Raggedy Ann and Andy show... it was the cutest little show. The little cartoon boy on it actually reminded me of Scotty as a kid (at least what I've seen in pictures). Anyway.... there's this really sad pumpkin at the pumpkin patch... the last one left on Halloween night. And he's just bawling his eyes out that no one wants him and that he's a reject... I about cried. Poor guy. Luckily things work out for him in the end. But this guy went through a lot.

I have never been able to pack all of my stuffed animals away in a box. I had them ALL sitting on display in my bedroom until I got married. I just can't stand the feeling of guilt. Looking them in the eye as I put them away in a box... I'm sorry, I just can't take it.

I can't stand leaving a bite of food on the plate if that bite is the only one left. A grape... a noodle... I just feel like that last bit of food must feel bad that it was the only one that didn't get eaten. It is just going to be tossed in the garbage or down the sink... never being able to fulfill its true potential.

I don't know if Scott knew what he was getting himself into when he married me.

TO THE LIGHTHOUSE

For some reason tonight I was thinking about the rhythms to which we live our lives. Right now (when I stop typing for a second) I can hear the crickets outside. I can hear Scott turn pages, clear his throat, and slide the desk chair across the hard wood floor. I can hear the faucet in the kitchen flow wildly, and I can hear the radiators in the living room, bedroom, and bathroom clank clank clank as if someone is banging on the pipes below us with a crowbar. All of these sounds made me think of this passage I read last year about Mrs. Ramsay living her life to the rhythm and timing of the surrounding noises, most particularly the waves. Sometimes I feel like it is almost impossible to live with this sort of metronome in our lives right now because there are simply too many sounds to hear. I picture my friend Tyler on his way to Disney Land and the headache that awaits his ears. I couldn't live my life to the rhythm of the noises at Disney Land. But there is something soothing about this idea. I do this at the Ranch. I live by the timing set by the rooster and the wind shooting through the aspens. I do this on the river. I live by the timing set by flying Tammy Beetles and the distant "shhhh" of rapids. I do this late at night when I finally indulge myself by sitting back, relaxing, and reading a book. Something about the timing set by the nighttime crickets and the buzz of my laptop tells me that it's okay to read a book in the evening. I can't read books of my choosing during the day. I can't even hear the buzz of my laptop during the day over the sounds of cars screeching and zooming along South Temple or the recess bell ringing at Wasatch Elementary next door. There's too many sounds; there's a rush. So I too am rushed during the day. But at night, when the sounds calm down, I calm down. I never noticed how often I take my cues from the sounds of the world around me. I was going to say the sounds of nature, but I take so many cues from the sounds of the city. All of these sounds drive and steer my own rhythm. Without me realizing it, they dictate for me my day.

"But here, as she turned the page, suddenly her search for the picture of a rake or a mowing-machine was interrupted. The gruff murmur, irregularly broken by the taking out of pipes and the putting in of pipes which had kept on assuring her, though she could not hear what was said (as she sat in the window which opened on the terrace), that the men were happily talking; this sound, which had lasted now half an hour and had taken its place soothingly in the scale of sounds pressing on top of her, such as the tap of balls upon bats, the sharp, sudden bark now and then, "How’s that? How’s that?" of the children playing cricket, had ceased; so that the monotonous fall of the waves on the beach, which for the most part beat a measured and soothing tattoo to her thoughts and seemed consolingly to repeat over and over again as she sat with the children the words of some old cradle song, murmured by nature, "I am guarding you—I am your support," but at other times suddenly and unexpectedly, especially when her mind raised itself slightly from the task actually in hand, had no such kindly meaning, but like a ghostly roll of drums remorselessly beat the measure of life, made one think of the destruction of the island and its engulfment in the sea, and warned her whose day had slipped past in one quick doing after another that it was all ephemeral as a rainbow—this sound which had been obscured and concealed under the other sounds suddenly thundered hollow in her ears and made her look up with an impulse of terror (Virginia Woolf)."

LA COCINA

I know Scott and I are a long long long long long long way away from having a home anything remotely close to something like this. But this is my new dream kitchen. Is it weird that I'm planning things like this in my mind??? I just love all the white. and I LOVE the giant square shelf.

BOO FLU SHOT

I am not a fan of the flu shot. I don't mind shots. When I was getting my shots caught up for my mission papers, I got six shots in my arm while standing in the waiting room where they weigh you before an appointment. I don't get scared, and I don't feel nervous or queezy. I was just hesitant about this particular shot. I've never had a flu shot before. I said no no no no no to it for weeks, and then caved and got it because several sources informed me that I would not get sick. One in four hundred get the flu from the flu shot. One in a thousand! There's nothing to worry about... HA! That'd be me... one in a thousand. A couple hours after the shot I started coughing a dry, painful kind of cough. All of a sudden my lungs felt tight and sore, like I had gone running in the middle of the night in winter. This is the feeling I get after asthma attacks. This is not fun. So I went to my trusty inhaler for a quick little puff. This thing is my best friend. It has accompanied me on all of my many adventures. We're great, together, really. Well this is the one time that my inhaler decided it was going to coat my throat and cause my throat to swell and be sore, making it difficult to swallow and breathe. This, combined with my sore and tight lungs, equaled a nap sitting upright in my bed. When I woke from this forty-five minute nap, my head had joined the party and felt like a ton of bricks were stuck inside my head where my brain is supposed to be. That's where we left off. I haven't felt this sick in a long time! Here I am in bed, with nothing better to do than complain... and blog.

I'm writing this all while in a humorous mood. I'm not really trying to complain... I just find this pretty funny. Hopefully a good-night-knock-out-sleep will help me feel as good as new tomorrow.



On a much happier note, congrats to Margy and Oliver who are celebrating four years of marriage today! We can't wait to hang out with you guys over Christmas break.

I totally stole this picture from their facebook profile. Hope that's okay!

FAVORITE QUOTES REMEMBERED

"We can have it many more than both ways (Margaret Mead).”

"We know time and we know that everything is really fine." Then he whispered, clutching my sleeve, sweating, "now you just dig them in front. They have worries, they're counting the miles, they're thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how they'll get there- and all the time they'll get there anyway, you see. But they need to worry and betray time with urgencies false and otherwise, purely anxious and whiny. Their souls really won't be at peace unless they can latch on to an established and proven worry and having found it they assume facial expressions to fit and go with it, which is, you see, unhappiness, and all the time it all flies by them and they know it and that too worries them no end (Kerouac).”

“God left the world unfinished for man to work his skill upon. He left the electricity in the cloud, the oil in the earth. He left the rivers unbridged and the forests unfelled and the cities unbuilt. God gives to man the challenge of raw materials, not the ease of finished things. He leaves the pictures unpainted and the music unsung and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys and glories of creation (Thomas S. Monson).”

"I live not in dreams, but in constant contemplation of a reality which is perhaps the future (Rainer Maria Rilke).”

“After the thaw, build a shelter of light and air.”

SYLVIA PLATH

Following our return from the Ranch, Scott and I have found ourselves deep in the same constant conversation about our life, our next step, and the things we love that can help us live a more enriched life. We've been talking about the goals we have and the loves we have. It's been nice to think a lot about all of the blessings we have, as well as all the choices we have. I remember leaving high school and thinking about the many decisions I was about to make in my life. I was reading The Bell Jar at the time, and I saw my life analogous to the fig tree Sylvia described in the story.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

I remember thinking at that time in my life, "Why can I just eat ten figs at once!" I've realized that while we have decisions to make, not all these decisions are mutually exclusive. Scott and I have so many things we want to be and so many things we want to do. And we can do them! We don't have to pick just one thing. I am excited to move forward in life with Scott because I know that we will find a way to include in our lives all the many things that make us who we are. We are both happiest when we are our best versions of ourselves. This is the greatest part of marriage, I think. Helping each other stay who we are!